Further Thoughts

So, I emailed Natalie, and I said, “I have to ask, why me? Why not someone who you know? Who doesn’t live 2000 miles away?”

And what she wrote back broke my heart, in a way that her crazy medical condition and inability to have her own pregnancy hadn’t. She said that she didn’t have a friend she thought could handle it emotionally. That she thought I was an emotionally strong person.

And that floored me.

Because, if I needed someone to do this for me, I know I have at least three friends I could ask. And I’m sure at least one of them would say yes. It seems such a poverty to not have that. I’ve been richly blessed—yes, by being able to have my own babies from my body without having to get too many doctors involved, but even more so to have such an incredible group of friends.

Natalie said that when she and Logan were brainstorming the characteristics that they would want someone to have, I was the person who came to mind.

Imagine a 1-10 scale, with 1 being “absolutely not” and 10 being “yes, no question.”

When she first asked me, I was at about a 3. And this email from her immediately moved it to a 5.

I’m the kind of person whose default position is yes. I need a good reason to go with no. And knowing that it wasn’t about my stepmom did a whole lot to remove one particularly strong reason for no.

5 is still solidly on the fence. I’m still thinking in circles. I’ve given myself until Silas’ birthday (Sept 9) to decide. Because I need a date for when I will be DONE with this.

In the mean time, talking with my closest friends, JC, my pastor, and my midwife. Oh, and I emailed her to say that a home birth is not negotiable for me. She’s a doctor, so maybe that will end this whole thing right there. But I know she knows I had my babies at home, so maybe she’s fine with that.

I can’t pray for guidance because I don’t think I’d believe anything short of a literal visit from the Angel Gabriel. Instead I’m praying that what ever decision I make, God will make all things work for the good.

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